Not The End Of The Story

My last post on Instagram was on Good Friday, and I wrote this:

"This is not the end of the story.

This is what I have been pondering on this Easter season. Last weekend, we celebrated our angel baby's first heavenly birthday. I say celebrated, because although we mourn his loss and miss him dreadfully, we still celebrate him, our precious son, and the little life he had, although it was brief on this earth. And we celebrate that he is still very much alive, even if he's not here with us, resting in the most beautiful sleep in the arms of Jesus, until we can one day join him and be reunited. And we can only celebrate this, because of the incredible Hope we have in Jesus, all because of what He accomplished on the cross to set us free from the grip of sin and death.

The cross is not the end of the story. Then came the empty tomb when Jesus rose from the dead, and we await His return with hope and a blessed assurance. JJ's grave is not the end of the story. We will see him again one day and spend eternity praising the Saviour that has made Heaven possible by becoming the sacrifice for us. And His gift of salvation is available for everyone. All we need to do is put our faith and trust in Jesus, repent of our sin and live life with Him at the centre.

The grave is not the end of the story. The cross is not the end of the story."

I wrote this with such Hope in my heart. It felt that after a season of so much pain, the dawn was breaking. My mourning was being turned into dancing. You see, I was six weeks pregnant with our Rainbow Baby, our little miracle who was due in December. My 'Christmas Miracle' was what I was calling our precious little baby. And we were so excited and filled with such hope. Little did I know, that after posting the above on my Instagram account that Good Friday, that when I went to bed that night, I would start to bleed, and thus herald in our second loss.

It felt cruelly ironic, that on Easter Sunday, otherwise known as Resurrection Sunday, Tom and I would be at the hospital, me lying on a bed as the sonographer scanned me, and then gravely confirmed that our little baby's heart had stopped beating. Only a week previously, I had had an early pregnancy scan, confirming that our little one was growing exactly where he or she needed to be, and I had seen baby's little heartbeat strongly beating away on that screen. It felt so wrong. Our darling little one, who was so dearly wanted and so loved already, was supposed to be our little Rainbow Baby. This was meant to be our special gift that helped turn our mourning into dancing, our sorrowful tears into tears of joy. And yet here we were, once again, just over a year later after saying 'goodnight' to our little JJ, we were saying the same sorrowful adieu to our little Rainbow Baby that we were so looking forward to meeting at Christmas. I can't even begin to describe the heartbreak.

As I sit at home, in pain, still waiting for my body to complete the full miscarriage process, as all the big and heavy questions hit again, I feel Jesus whisper to me, 'What you wrote is still relevant. This is not the end of the story. Don't give up Hope. I am your Hope."

Whilst I weep and feel the deep ache of my heart and emptiness of my arms, wondering why God would allow us to suffer yet another loss, and wondering why He would give us this news on Resurrection Sunday, He reminded me that it was the perfect time to receive such sorrowful news, because it is a powerful reminder that Jesus has conquered sin, death and the grave. We may grieve now, but we can grieve with a beautiful and assured hope that this is not the end of the story. Loss and death are temporary, but there is so much more to come and to look forward to! And my Heavenly Father reminded me that although He likes to restore hope after loss, my true hope cannot be found in another baby, as much as I dearly want one. My true Hope can only be found in Jesus.

And there is another deeper meaning to the phrase, 'This is not the end of the story,' that God gave me this Easter time. At different points, with both of my losses, there have been occassions where I have thought, 'My life is over! There's nothing good left for me!' Tom reminded me when I was sharing with him about God giving me this beautiful phrase, that even in the dark moments when I feel like giving up and that it's all over, that indeed it is not 'all over' - there is still an important work for me to do. God still has good plans for me - plans to use me for His glory, and so the losses that I face does not mean that my life is over. It is not the end of the story.

These are not easy things to hear, and they certainly are not easy lessons to learn; and trust me, I have asked God, 'Why?!' I have wept bitterly as I physically reached out my hands towards Him, begging Him not to leave me and to help me through this pain and confusion. But I know that God is Sovereign, and I have a choice to make. And although it's hard and painful, I choose to trust Jesus, even if I don't understand His plan.

As children, we didn't always understand the decisions our parents made. Sometimes they seemed unfair, unreasonable or mean. There were times when later I could see the reasons behind their decisions, 'Ohhhh, that's why.' Other times, I couldn't. But deep down I knew they loved me and wanted the best for me, and the decisions they made were for my good. If I knew that about my earthly parents, and I could still trust them, how much more can I trust my Heavenly Father, even if I can't understand His methods, or why He hasn't always intervened in the ways I have wanted Him to.

I expect we have all seen the cartoons at various intervals over the years - the ones where someone is faced with an ordeal, and they have a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, one raging and tempting the person to succumb whilst the angelic being gently guides and urges them away from evil. Never have I felt I experienced that scenario more than when I was in A&E, the day before Easter Sunday. I had been bleeding rather a lot, and I had started to feel lightheaded. Although it wasn't confimred until my scan the following day that I had lost the baby, I knew deep down I was going through a miscarriage. I was lying on the hospital bed, after sending Tom out to get some food, and my goodness, the devil on my shoulder was shouting all sorts of things in my ear. "God is so cruel to you! He started to give you hope only to cruelly take it away again. God doesn't love you. You must have done something terrible for this to happen to you - again! It's so easy for some people - they just pop them out without ever experiencing loss. You will never be able to have a healthy baby. What's the point?!"

I could feel the anger, bitterness and resentment building to a crescendo already. And then the angel whispered, 'Praise the Lord. Go on, sing praises to Him, because He is still worthy, and you need to take up the weapon of praise to help you defeat the enemy's lies.'

But I don't want to. I don't feel like it.

'But that's when you most need to do it.'

So I did. Lying on the hospital bed, I sang worship songs as my battle cry. I had to force myself at first, and then, as I sang, the Lord unlocked my heart and softened the hardness there. I declared out loud that although I didn't understand what was going on, and why God was allowing us to lose another baby, I proclaimed that I chose to trust Jesus and not to give in to anger, jealousy and bitterness. I declared out loud for the enemy to hear that I was not going to give him a foothold in my life, and that I choose Jesus. This is something I have to do daily. It's not a one-time, magic formula that instantly heals my heart for good. It's a daily choice, putting on the garment of praise and prayer and the armour of God, ready to do battle against the enemy's lies, fears and all the negative feelings and emotions that threaten my peace and relationship with Christ.

My heart resonates with the words of Job in the Bible, a man who lost so very much (way more than I ever have):

"I know that my Redeemer lives,

    and that in the end he will stand on the earth.

And after my skin has been destroyed,

    yet in my flesh I will see God;

I myself will see him

    with my own eyes—I, and not another.

    How my heart yearns within me!"

Job could still declare after all the suffering that he endured that his Redeemer lives, and one day, after he passed from this world, he would see his God with his own eyes. I am so very thankful that I can say the same!

Jesus left us a warning that in this life we would experience sorrow and troubles, so it should come as no surprise when we do. But He has also left us with a heartening promise:

 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33.)

I'm not going to lie to you; I battle so many negative emotions after the losses we have suffered: anger, fear, bitterness, jealousy . . . but through the deep sorrow and difficult battles, God is teaching me things about Himself and leading me to new heights that I have never discovered before. Is life hard? Yes, sometimes. Are there sorrows? Yes. But would I want to face them without Jesus? No way! The only way I can make it through is with Jesus by my side. The only way I can find true inner peace, is with Him. The only way I can cling to hope, is by clinging to Jesus.

Do I still desire for children of my own? Absolutely. Am I giving up? Nope! But what I am learning, is to give my desires to Jesus, and ask Him more often what He wants for us, and to bend my will to His. It's not wrong to desire more children, and it's not wrong to bring those desires before the Lord. But I think I need to cling more closely to Him, and not so tightly to what I want. I need to hold the hopes and dreams a little more loosely - not give up on them, but rather, not make them my focus.

I'm going to leave you with the words of a song that is very close to my heart. We played it at JJ's funeral last year, and I have been listening to it again during these difficult days. It's written by an artist called Phillippa Hanna, and it's called 'You're Still God':

When all foundations have been shaken

When I'm left standing in the dark

And all I feel is my heart breaking

You still reign and You're still God

And when it feels all hope has faded

The heavy questions hit so hard

And though my soul may feel forsaken

You still reign and You're still God

Though I can't see what's before me

I know that I can trust Your heart

And this one truth will be my story

You still reign and You're still God

I will declare that You are with me

Though voices whisper that You're not

You'll never leave me nor forsake me

'Cause You still reign and You're still God

Though I can't see what's before me

I know that I can trust Your heart

And this one truth will be my story

Your truth's still reign and You're still God

Though I can't see what's before me

I know that I can trust Your heart

And this one truth will be my story

Right You still reign and You're still God

I know You reign and You're still God

And when my enemies surround me

I'll trust the victory of Your cross

And fix my eyes upon You Jesus

For You are God and I am not

You are good and You are faithful

As You have been from the start

You're working all things for Your glory

'Cause You still reign and You're still God

And though I can't see what's before me

I know that I can trust Your heart

And this one truth will be my story, yes it will

That You still reign and You're still God

Yes, this one truth will be my story

You still reign and You're still God