Walking Through The Valley of Grief

Carrying my child's coffin and lowering it into the ground is something I never imagined I would have to do. The journey that Tom and I have been walking has been very long, and we continue to walk it together, and I have come to realise that the valley of grief is an ongoing path that we will continue to walk, as we navigate our lives without our baby boy.

Baby loss is something that will always leave its mark. It's like a patient who sustains a permanent scar from a wound or operation: they recover from the incident, but they have a constant mark, a living reminder, of what happened to them. They continue to live life with that scar. It's the same with losing a baby. The pain leaves its mark on us, and is something that we'll always carry, with the ache in our hearts and our empty arms the reminder of what has happened. Our home will always be missing that one extra person. But we will continue to live our lives, walking through the valley of grief. Yet, the valley isn't always dark and gloomy and overshadowed. Sometimes, there's a break behind the clouds and sunshine streams in, lighting up the way and we feel its warmth; however, this valley is still a twist on our paths we didn't want to take, but we have to journey it nevertheless.

We now have to learn to live with the grief. It will always be there, and will show at different intensities at various intervals in life, but losing someone does change you. You have to grow with the grief, and begin to navigate a new 'normal'. You don't 'get over' losing a child, and there are painful reminders everywhere that come in all shapes and sizes: The pregnancy announcement posts on social media. The couple with their young baby on the next table at the coffee shop. All the baby pictures and happy smiling families on Facebook. The family at church who have just had a new baby and are welcomed and applauded in front of the whole congregation at the end of the service. Or the doctor prescribing medication who doesn't read my notes carefully and flippantly asks, 'Are you breastfeeding?' Even the postman's cheery, "How are you today?" as I sign for a parcel. If only you knew. "Not too bad, thank you," I reply with a smile, which doesn't feel right somehow, because deep down, what I really want to say is, "Not great. I've lost my baby."

There are certain dates I am dreading: July 8th - going back to work. I should be at home nursing my baby, still on maternity leave, not going back to work full-time. September 22nd. The anniversary of when we found out JJ's diagnosis. Next year, April 12th. The day my son was born but had already passed.

There's a couple on our estate, with a gorgeous little boy. He must be about two years old. They often play with him on the green, which is directly opposite our house. It's such a beautiful sight, but also very painful to watch, knowing we will never get to fly a toy plane with our little boy.

All of what I'm sharing may resonate with you. And if you have lost a baby, or are facing a terminal diagnosis for your child, I am so deeply sorry you are going through this. Or maybe you know someone who has lost a baby and this might be eye-opening as to how they may be feeling and what they are dealing with, even years later (you can read my post on helping those experiencing baby loss here). What I do want to share, is my journey and how I have been dealing with this grief, and how I continue to navigate this new life that I am now living.

In a previous post, I have shared what it's like navigating a pregnancy and grief when your baby has been given a terminal diagnosis, which you can read here. This post today focuses more on dealing with grief after losing a baby, as well as some practical things I have been doing to help me, but both articles apply.

Losing a baby brings up the heavy questions of, 'Why?' It has been so painful not having my precious son here with me, journeying through his terminal diagnosis, and letting him go, and sometimes I have felt so angry as I have turned around and around in my head, 'Why?! Why me, God?! Why have You taken my son when I love and follow You, and there are many who reject You who get their healthy babies? And what about those parents who only neglect or abuse their children?' I am so grateful to the Lord for my loving husband, who respectfully listens to my feelings, and then gently answers these questions by pointing me back to Jesus. He has shown me that these feelings I have had, come from a spirit of 'entitlement', believing that I deserve better, when that is simply not the case. I'm not better than anyone else. God hasn't promised us a 'cushy' life, free from suffering. In fact, Jesus tells us, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33.)

God doesn't work on a 'points and reward' system. We don't earn God's favour, and so the feelings I have had in the past of feeling angry believing I don't deserve what has happened to us, were wrong, as were sometimes the feelings of fear I had that I had done something wrong and that God was punishing me for something I had done. That's not how God works. He is a God of grace, and doesn't treat us as we deserve. When we realise that we have all fallen short of God's grace, that we're all sinners in need of saving, then we come to an understanding that anything good we have is all of God's grace and kindness, as none of us deserve His love or favour. The bad things that happen in life, disease, sadness and death, are all a result of the sinful world we live in, which Jesus has promised to put an end to one day.

It's been a journey of changing my perspective. If I focus on what others do have and what I don't have, believing that I am a victim and not been treated fairly, then that will only breed anger, bitterness and resentment. I have recently taken to spending time writing down the good gifts in my life and thanking God for them, which has helped shift my perspective, and affected how I feel in my heart. I am so thankful that God chose us to be JJ's parents so we could give him all the love we could in the short time we had with him, which I know he felt and responded to in the womb. He knew nothing but love and comfort, and now knows the deepest love, peace and comfort in the arms of Jesus, never to know the sorrows, struggles and evils of this world.

The big things that the Lord has been teaching me throughout this journey, and continues to teach me, is trusting Him and surrender. Sometimes, the burden of dealing with the grief of losing JJ, and worrying if we'll even be able to have any more children in the future, has been very great, and as I have focused on the pain, giving in to the negative thoughts of victimising myself, has only added to the burden. I am learning to share with my Heavenly Father how I feel, expressing all the negative thoughts and feelings to Him, sharing with Him my desires, but then asking Him to carry the burden for me, and to say to Him, 'Not my will, but Yours be done.' This is a hard prayer to pray, and I find that I have to daily ask the Lord for help with this, as I find it a real struggle.

I have good days and bad days; but what I have found is that as soon as I share my negative thoughts and feelings with Jesus, and give them to Him, He replaces them with peace. As odd as it may sound, it is possible to know grief and also peace at the same time. These feelings can indeed co-exist. I miss my son deeply and wish he was here with me in my arms, and that I could watch him grow up, but I know without a doubt that he is with the Lord, and one day I will be with him again for eternity, and I have a deep sense of peace and joy knowing that. As we said at JJ's funeral, it's not 'goodbye', just 'goodnight'.

I've been reading an excellent book by Dan and Anna Martin called, 'Near to the Brokenhearted.' They lost their baby son, Jed, and their book contains invaluable comfort and support, as well as tackling the difficult questions that I have also faced, such as 'why didn't God heal my baby?'

This was such a big question I faced, as Tom and I prayed so earnestly, along with many, many others for a miracle for our son. I couldn't understand why God sometimes gave some people the miracle they asked for, and not us. I felt that my prayers had gone unanswered. Through reading this book, I found chapter nine particularly helpful, and it opened my eyes to some of these really tough questions that I have wrestled with. Jesus, God's own Son, earnestly prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane for the cup of suffering to pass from Him, saying, 'Yet not what I will, but what You will' (Mark 14:36.) He still went to the cross - God did not deliver Him from that. Why? He had a better plan! If Jesus hadn't gone to the cross, there would be no redemption plan. I only have hope of seeing JJ again because God didn't remove the cup of suffering from Jesus. This has helped me see that God always has a better plan, even if I don't fully understand what that plan is. Please see the list I have put together at the end of this blog post - the first two books on that list are extremely helpful in navigating the painful questions we face after dealing with baby loss, and deal with them in better detail than I can in this post.

Ultimately, no matter what challenges, difficulties and tragedies we face, this doesn't change Who God is. He still reigns and He's still God! We played a beautiful song ('You're Still God') at JJ's funeral sung by Philippa Hanna, and it was also one of the songs on our playlist during labour at hospital. The truth of the lyrics have been what we have clung to during this very painful time. If you would like to have a listen, then click here.

The other lie that I had started to believe sometimes, is that Jesus didn't really care about how I was feeling. We only have to read how Jesus responded at the tomb of Lazarus to know this isn't true:

'When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. “Where have you laid him?” he asked.

“Come and see, Lord,” they replied. Jesus wept.' (John 11:32-35.)

Jesus does, indeed, weep with us in our sorrows. Psalm 34:18 tells us: 'The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.' As I have cried out to Him, I have known His loving arms around me, and in His kindness, He has shown me at different times that He does truly love me and care about my feelings, and that He will turn my mourning into dancing. I would like to share a particular example with you:

There's a truly wonderful artist in my church (Kate Green - do check out her amazing art work here!), who sometimes paints live during worship. Her creativity expresses something that God has laid on her heart to communicate through art. One morning, she was painting a beautiful piece, that depicted teardrops at the bottom of the canvas, but as you gaze above the teardrops, the colour grows lighter, and beautiful, bright, bold florals take the centre stage, with the petals on the flowers the same shape as the teardrops. The title of the art piece is 'Mourning By Morning', and the explanation behind it from Kate is this:

'For some people this worship time is an act of sacrifice, it's laying down the struggle, looking up and trusting, it's praising through the tears. God sees you.

Psalm 30:5 says "Tears may flow in the night, but joy comes in the morning."

The nights of crying give way to days of laughter.

The deepest pains may linger through the night, but joy greets the soul with the smile of morning.

My painting looks at what our mourning looks like by morning.

For those of us who are mourning today, if you feel weighed down with sadness and sorrow, God wants to remind you that He's in the business of turning things around.

Beauty for ashes, mourning to dancing, joy for despair.

So keep lifting your gaze, keeping trusting, keeping praising.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is His faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-23).'

When Kate first painted this and shared the meaning behind her painting, I didn't know her at this point; but after the service, I shared with her how much her painting had spoken to me and why.

Several weeks later, Kate came up to me after the church service, and told me that God had told her to gift us the painting. We were overwhelmed. I had fallen in love with the painting weeks ago, and had really sensed God speak to me through it; so when Kate gave us her work of art, telling us that God wanted us to have it, I cried tears of joy. It truly felt like a 'hug' from Jesus, and gives me such encouragement, knowing that He truly does care for me, and has given me a huge reminder of that through this beautiful piece of art which now hangs up in our home, as a continued visual proof of His nearness, love and promises.

I would like to share some practical things that I have found helpful during this crushing time of losing our son. They don't take the grief away, but they have helped navigate it in a healthy way:

1. Make Memories

I have shared a little about this in a previous post, but what Tom and I have found helped us throughout our journey, is the memory making we have made, both during the pregnancy when JJ was alive in the womb, and after when he was stillborn. During the pregnancy, we truly made the most of having him with us. We knew we could lose him at any point, either during the pregnancy, during labour or just after, due to his fatal diagnosis of Acrania and Anencephaly. Whilst we had JJ with us, we made sure we talked to him (babies do hear your voices in the womb and respond!). We read stories to him and Tom read him a devotional every evening before bed. We had family worship times together. I sang to him. I cradled my belly and rubbed my tummy as I talked to him. We did fun things together as a couple and made sure we included JJ in the moment, so we made precious family memories. After he was stillborn, the Bereavement Team at the hoispital, as well as Keech Hospice, helped us to make more memories with him before we took him to the funeral home. We got lots of pcitures wih him, both on our camera and phones, as well as from the photographer from the charity, 'Remember My Baby'. We had clay moulds and prints made of his footprints and handprints, as well as inkless footprints made, which have been made into a necklace for me. We have two memory boxes, one from the hospital and one from Keech Hospice, that contained lots of beautiful things to help make memories as well. We even have a couple of recordings of JJ's heartbeat that the Consultant allowed us to take on our phones during some of the scans in pregnancy. We were even able to bring our son home with us in a cuddle cot for three nights before we took him to the funeral directors. This was a very precious time. Our journey with JJ has definitely taught us how precious life is - make the most of every moment! You won't regret it. Tom and I have lots of beautiful things to help treasure the memory of our son, and it's a special way to help keep him a part of our lives.

2. Communicate

This is such a big one! It can be so hard during the crushing weight of grief to want to communicate - not only does it feel there is not enough energy to do so, but to talk about your feelings can be extremely difficult and painful, and yet necessary. As a couple, we have needed each other more than ever, and although it can be very tough, it is vital to communicate with one another. And sometimes that means taking time out to really talk and share. As a couple, we have sometimes felt different emotions at the same time, and so it's important to talk and communicate and to be understanding and kind to one another. Losing a baby is one of if not the hardest thing you will ever have to journey through as a couple, and if you are a couple that are walking this path, please don't shut each other out. So many couples break up after the devastating crisis of losing a child, but it doesn't have to be this way. Communicate with each other. Be understanding. Be kind. Be patient. Remember, although you are both going through the same heartbreak, you will react and even feel differently at various times. Don't expect your partner to react in the same way as you - if their feelings or ways of expressing their grief looks different from yours, it doesn't make it wrong, or even mean they're not experiencing the same depths of pain. We all respond to and deal with grief differently, and Tom and I have been learning that together, but it's not always been easy for either of us.

There will be times when you cry together and feel the full weight of the grief at the same time - we have many times. But it's also good when there are occassions when one of us feels it more than the other, as then the other person can 'hold the other up'. Sometimes I have sobbed and wailed and even screamed whilst Tom has held me, and at other times, I have held Tom when he has cried and felt very low from the crushing weight of missing our son.

3. Take A Break!

After coming home from hospital, and after we dropped JJ off at the funeral directors, we were suddenly swamped with funeral planning and organising, which very quickly became all-encomapssing and very overwhelming. I was still recovering physically, as had been quite unwell during labour and ended up having to go back into hospital due to severe abdominal pains, where I couldn't even move one morning. Dealing with my physical recovery, as well as the loss of JJ, and having to go here and there with appointments from registering his stillbirth, to the funeral parlour to discuss funeral arrangements and everything that entails, proved too much. I got to the point where I stopped talking properly with Tom, and would just stare into space. I had no energy or motivation to do anything. I cried at anything. And then one day, I just lay on the sofa crying, until my sobs grew into loud wailing and then I just started screaming. I needed to get away. Home had ceased to feel my 'safe space' because all we were doing was funeral planning. Tom took me away for the night and we had much-needed couple time away from everything, and enjoyed a day at Model World Live at the NEC the following day. That gave me the break I needed, and helped me return home ready to finish planning JJ's funeral. We now have a little UK break away planned in the summer, too. When you are facing such terrible heartbreak, take some time out as a couple, if you can, to have a break away together, whether that's a night or two away or even a proper holiday. It's important to have some space to breathe, process and have a break away from everything, as you can very quickly become overwhelmed, which won't help with the grieving process.

4. Make Plans

Tom and I have some ideas of things we would like to do together this year, and have started to get some plans in the diary. We have a theatre trip to London to see 'Fawlty Towers - The Play', so we can look forward to a day-trip to London. We also have a couple of theatre visits to Milton Keynes theatre in July. Later in the year we'd like to do a spa day. And we're talking about other things we'd like to do and places we would like to visit. It's good to have some things to look forward to.

5. No Expectations

One mistake I made was having an expectation of what my grief would look like, how I would be physically after giving birth and how I would spend my time after losing JJ. Let's just say the reality was VERY different from my expectations, and I felt worse because it was different, due to the pressure I had unwittingly put on myself. I thought after going home from hospital that I would pretty much be 'back to normal' physically, and that Tom and I would have the time to really relax after such a traumatic time, to spend some quality time together. After suffering an infection which I contracted during labour and being on a lot of medication (which continued for quite some time even when I was back home), undergoing a forceps delivery and episotomy, suffering with painful piles and other issues (I'll spare you the details!), I definitely was not in the physical shape I thought I would be. After being in hospital for a few more days after delivery, I went home, and was not where I wanted to be recovery-wise. It was a struggle to bend down and pick something up, and even to get into bed or getting up and down from the sofa. I needed to be much more patient with myself. The time that Tom and I had together also looked very different from what I had imagined. I had envisioned a few nights away to get away from everything, sitting by rivers enjoying a coffee or going for gentle country walks. But it was all-encompassing with funeral planning, rushing to and from appointments, being admitted back into hospital and other things. Because it wasn't how I imagined, I found this hard to deal with, all because I had set expectations that didn't match reality. It's OK to have a loose plan, but don't set any expectations on how things will be. Be patient with yourself. Take one day at a time, and go with the flow.

6. Explore New Interests

Something I have very recently taken up is watercolour painting. I have never considered myself good at art - in fact, I have always been very disappointed in this area. But my mother-in-law encouraged me to 'have a go', and so I did. And I have loved it, and been pleasantly suprised at what I can produce! Art has been an excellent source of 'therapy' for me, in a way. Not only am I cultivating a gift I didn't know I had which has given me a massive boost, but I also find it very soothing and therapeutic. I have also got back into writing again, and am currently working on a novel of my own, which I haven't attempted in years. There is something about creativity that releases the 'happy hormones'!

7. Start A Project

Maybe there's a home-improvement project you have wanted to start for a while now? Or maybe there's something you would like to work on in the garden? Whatever form it takes, this might be a good time to start working on a project to help with productivity, as grief can easily affect your motivation to do anything. Although it's important to rest and take time out, it's equally important that you also find your motivation again. Start off small to begin with and don't overdo it. We have started on our garden, making the front look nice and inviting, and clearing the rubbish on our drive that had accumulated over time. There's still a lot left to do, but we have made a positive start!

8. Self-Care

This is so important. Take time to look after yourself, and do things that help you feel 'looked after' and good about yourself, whether that's a manicure at the salon, a shopping trip to buy some new clothes or a home-spa treatment where you pamper yourself with face masks, a relaxing bath with candles or whatever it is you find that is special.

9. Let People Help You

It can be very hard to ask for help. We like to think we have it 'all together' and definitely don't like others thinking we don't, but we were created to have relationships with each other and be a community, and we especially need community during times of heartbreak and difficulty. I have found it very helpful having someone visit me from the Pastoral Team from church (who is also a trained Counsellor), listening to me share my feelings and fears, talking with me and praying with me, so please don't be afriad to get counselling. We asked to be put on the meal-rota at church for a short time after JJ's death so we didn't have to think about cooking ourselves initially. We've had family help us with the gardening and housework. There's no shame in asking for help, and it really does make a positive difference. Don't walk the journey of grief on your own.

On this point, though, I would like to say that when you are grieving, you will find you also need your own space as well, as being around people can be extremely overwhelming. Please make sure you have time to be on your own, and quality time alone as a couple as well. You will definitely need time away from everyone and the world, but there is a balance, as you don't want to shut everyone out completely.

10. Exercise

Now that I'm physically stronger, I have started a daily postpartum routine to help get me back into shape. Not only will it help with getting fit after pregnancy, but exercise is also great for your mental health, as it helps boost your energy and motivation, as well as giving you a sense of achievement. Walking is also a really good form of exercise, and being out in nature is very calming and energising. 

11. Switch-Off

You might find it helpful to 'switch off' from social media for a while, by temporarily removing the apps from your phone, or even temorarily unfollowing people on Facebook who are sharing their pregnancy photos or newborn baby pictures, if these are 'triggers' for you.

12. Spending Time With Jesus

Although this is last on my list, this is by no means least! In fact, this is the most important thing I have been doing and can do. This may sound really strange to you if you don't know Jesus and don't have a relationship with Him, but I can honestly say, the only reason I can get through this, is because of Jesus. If I didn't have Him in my life, I wouldn't be able to make sense of anything, or know His supernatural peace. I am human, and of course I have questions, and feel all the emotions that come with grief: anger, jealousy, guilt, fear and overwhelming sadness; but I can only navigate these healthily with the help and grace of Jesus. I have truly come to understand what He means when He says: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9.). It's because of what Jesus has done at the cross, in overcoming sin and death, that I have such a blessed hope that one day I will see my son again. It's because of Jesus, that I can live with an eternal perspective, and not just on the here and now. Feel free to message me if you have any questions about this and want to know more.

Even though we have gone through the most unimagineable pain through losing our precious baby son, and even though we will always carry the scars of what has happened, we know that we won't live in a constant state of sadness. Even now, less than two months on, we can say that we still take pleasure and enjoyment in life. We still smile. We still laugh. We are still able to do and enjoy life. But we also still cry. Our empty arms still ache. Our hearts are still broken. We still feel the grief in the place JJ has left behind. And that's OK, because after all, what is grief, but 'just love with nowhere to go'?*

HELPFUL RESOURCES

If you have lost a baby, then I highly recommend the following books to help you as you navigate the devastation of baby loss. I have found a wealth of help, encouragement, guidance, reassurance and support through them:

'Near to the Broken Hearted' by Dan & Anna Martin

'You Are Still A Mother' by Jackie Gibson

'The Baby Loss Guide' by Zoe Clark-Coates

*Quote by Jamie Anderson