Helping Those Experiencing Baby Loss

A few months ago I posted about my experiences of journeying through a baby's terminal diagnosis, in the hopes that it might help and encourage those who have journeyed or who currently are journeying through this pain, or any kind of baby loss.

Another aspect I believe is important to cover is a post on some helpful 'do's' and 'don'ts' for others supporting families going through baby loss, including some ideas of what not to say from my own experiences. Grief is very personal and will look different for each individual, and unless someone has gone through the same thing, people don't always truly understand what you are going through, no matter how much they try to be sympathetic and supportive.

Don't get me wrong, I know people have the best of intentions, and only want to help, but sometimes, in their desire to be helpful, they can actually say things or act in a way that can be hurtful, so in this blog post, I wanted to share some things to avoid saying to someone who is grieving, and also to share how they might be feeling, so that if you are in a position where you are trying to reach out and support someone going through baby loss or grief of any kind, you might understand where the grieving person may be coming from and what they do and don't need to hear.

Firstly, let's look at how someone may be feeling and how that can look. For me, from when we first received the fatal diagnosis of our baby son, there have been days where I want company and need to be with people, and other days where I want to be by myself and need space to process and navigate my feelings alone. I have shared in a previous post (which you can read here) about some of the emotions I have been through, and still go through, on my path of grief; these range from anger and guilt to overwhelming sadness and jealousy. The key thing is, you just don't know where a grieving person is going to be at, and you need to let them grieve in the way they need to. Showing understanding and sympathy is what they need. Never dismiss them as 'over-sensitive' or 'hyper-emotional'. If you're hurt because you feel the person you want to help is distant or even snappy, don't take it personally. It's not aimed at you. Grief is a very overpowering thing, and extremely difficult to navigate and process. So don't be offended if your loved one wants their space and time alone or finds it hard to talk to you.

It is easy to dismiss someone as 'unreasonable' or 'extra-sensitive' due to their grief (yes, I have even been told by someone that I sounded melodramatic when I was asked how I was feeling and started to cry), especially if you find they have reacted in a way to something you have said in a negative way, when you were only trying to be helpful and caring, however, I would encourage you to not feel this way about them. You may not be aware how your actions, words or even tone of voice can upset a grieving person, and you may not actually be acting as sensitively as you think you are. Try and recall a time when you were deeply hurting, or were under a lot of intense pressure, stress or anxiety, and someone said or acted in a way that really hurt and annoyed you, even though they wouldn't have meant to. This might help you understand how the other person is feeling, even if their experience is different from yours.

I have found in my personal journey, it is possible to know a supernatural peace that my son is with Jesus and one day I will see him again, but also know a deep ache in my heart as my arms feel so very empty. I have days where I can feel mostly happy and positive, and have still been able to find enjoyment in things and even laugh, and there are days when I feel JJ's loss so keenly that all I want to do is curl into a ball and do nothing. Grief is a rollercoaster ride. You don't feel grief after loss for a certain amount of time and then gradually everything returns to normal again. And it is possible to know peace that my beloved son is with Jesus and trust God with my painful situation, and still weep and scream from the deep pain of the loss.

The important thing is, just be there. Check in with the bereaved person, not necessarily expecting a reply (from experience, having an onslaught of messages can be very overwhelming and draining to deal with, even though appreciated). Say something, even if you're not quite sure what to say; be honest, and tell them: 'I don't have the words, but I am here for you if you need me. I am so sorry for what you're going through.' See if there is anything practical you can do to help support them. For Tom and I, we had some lovely home-cooked meals provided for us by church members and Tom's Gran, so we didn't have to think about cooking initially after JJ passed away.

I would actually really recommend the book, 'The Baby Loss Guide' by Zoe Clark-Coates. Not only is this an excellent resource for grieving parents, but also for friends and family members of the grieving parents as well. The two chapters on 'Supporting the Bereaved' and 'Proactive Advice for Family and Friends' are especially helpful and I would recommend you read through these. I love what Zoe says in one section: Be forgiving and patient. When journeying through grief, it can mean a person feels so overwhelmed and numb, they stop being thoughtful or kind. They may appear emotionless or too emotional. They may be brutal in their responses and lack sensitivity in how they phrase things. They may not ask how your day went or for news on your promotion. I beg of you to accept that this isn't personal, and it does not mean the bereaved person has become selfish and self-centred. It just says they are crawling through life right now, and they are so overwhelmed with pain their typical responses to things are on hold. Give them time, and they will start asking about you again; it won't always be about them.

I have really valued my Mum and Dad being ready to speak to me on the other end of the phone, at any time. They are quick to drop whatever they are doing and listen to me vent my feelings and cry, and also cry with me. I have valued my sister dropping me messages frequently to check up on me, telling me she is there whenever I want to talk. I have appreciated my in-laws dropping me messages to say they are there for me and to offer to take me out or visit me if I wanted company, and also understanding when I have cancelled plans with them.

What a grieving person needs most is a listening and understanding ear (if they want to talk) and a kind and sympathetic demeanour. It's natural that you will want to say something encouraging and try and be positive to try and cheer them up, but this needs to be done very carefully and sensitively. The Bible offers very helpful and practical advice: "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep." (Romans 12:15.) I would much rather have someone listen to me rant and rave and have them cry with me, rather than them try and say 'encouraging' things that turn out not to be as helpful as they had intended. Even Jesus wept with Lazarus' family and friends at his tomb, even though He knew He was about to raise Lazarus back from the dead!

This leads me to mention some of the things that have been said to us, and are often said by well-meaning souls to the bereaved (there's a whole list of them in 'The Baby Loss Guide', as mentioned above), but can actually be hurtful and insensitive. As Zoe says in her book, if you find that reading through these you have said some of them, please don't get eaten up with guilt and feel terrible about it. I know myself that I haven't always got it right! Knowing what to say to grieving people can be extremely difficult and awkward to navigate and sometimes you just don't know what to say, but saying things like, 'I don't know what to say. I have no words, but I want you to know I am thinking of you, and I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I'm here if you need me," are much better than saying nothing at all or trying to think of something philosophical and super-spiritual to say.

Okay, so here goes . . .

At least you can get pregnant.

Someone said this to me the month after we had found out about our baby's fatal diagnosis. This kind of comment is probably coming from a place of hurt and disappointment, but is still not very sensitive to my feelings. I mean, hey yeah, I can get pregnant, but I haven't been able to get pregnant with a healthy baby that I am going to be able to raise, so this comment really devalues our feelings and our situation as a couple. It's best to avoid any kind of sentence that starts with, 'At least . . . '

I'm sure God will replace your baby with another.

Firstly, when you lose a child, that child is irreplaceable. When a life is lost, it is never replaced. Our darling baby will always be remembered, loved and very much missed all the days of our lives, and even if God blesses us with another baby in the future, that child will never replace our son. They will be equally loved and a very welcomed addition to our family, but most certainly not a replacement. Secondly, you can't say you are sure that God will bless a couple with another baby, because you don't know that for sure. What if there is a genetic problem meaning they can't go on to have more children? Or what if they choose not to have more children for whatever reason they might have? This comment goes hand-in-hand with saying, 'Are you going to try for more children?' or 'When are you going to aim for another baby?' Quite frankly, it's not our business to ask a couple this, and it's a very delicate subject, so please avoid questions like these.

It just wasn't meant to be.

Ouch. This is basically the same as saying, 'Your child wasn't meant to be' or 'You weren't meant to be parents right now'. This kind of comment is very insensitive and not at all helpful or encouraging to a bereaved person. My baby very much existed, even though briefly, and was as very much meant to be as the next person who lived a long and full life.

They're going to a better place.

Whilst it's true that to be with the Lord is far better, saying this to grieving parents can be very hurtful. Of course I rejoice that my darling child is in the presence of Jesus, and will not know sin, sadness or any pain, but telling me that he's better off there than with me can be very painful to hear when I so desperately want him in my arms and watch him grow up.

When are you going back to work?

Simple answer: when we're ready. Everyone is different. Everyone processes grief at their own pace and in their own way. They will need to take the time they need to process their emotions and what's happened, and not feel pressured to get back to 'normality', as life as they knew it has ended, and they have to discover what their 'new normal' is. It's not a case of just going back to as you were before.

Time heals / It gets easier in time.

I found a couple of really good quotes that I really resonate with in response to this: "They say time heals all wounds, but the space left by a child isn't a wound. It's a void that no amount of time can fill." -thegrieivingmoms - Instagram. "Stop saying to the bereaved that it gets easier in time; it doesn't get easier; it gets different. It doesn't get less, your grief muscles just get stronger, so you become more accustomed to carrying it." - Zoe Clark-Coates. I believe it is possible to find a new normality in living and find happiness and joy in life again, but also still carry and feel the void left by your child. Grief and enjoying life can co-exist.

These are just some of the comments we have navigated, and I'm sure there will be others in time, but I just wanted to share some of the common ones I feel are often said. As I previously mentioned, if you have found that you have said any of these to the beareaved before, please don't beat yourself up over it and feel guilty. The point of this post is to share our experiences in the hopes it helps you to understand, support and comfort the bereaved in a positive way.